Drowning is not so pitiful
by carlycarter
Summary: Kate's clothes are saturated, clinging to her body. She tries to wipe her hair, wet and tangled, from her eyes. But the evening winds are blowing so forcefully around her, that her hair, not unlike the rest of her, simply won't be tamed.
1. Chapter 1

_Drowning is not so pitiful...._

…_.As the attempt to rise_

(Emily Dickinson)

**~~~**

For f3iv3lin3 & zippy88 lj

**~~~**

The harsh shouting rings in Juliet's ears as she approach the caves. Angry bitter arguing that instantly catches her attention. No, it is none of her business. But she can't turn away. She can't keep her eyes off Kate. Juliet, who spent the past three years perfecting that alarming composure in the face of the starkest horror. Juliet, who refused to let the world see even a glimpse of what was going on in her head. Never flinching, never blinking. Juliet, of all people, finds herself helpless under Kate Austen's spell. Juliet finds herself holding her breath in silence as she watches on from behind the bushes.

The dense jungle obscuring her view, Juliet sees only the back of his head as he stands facing Kate. Kate's clothes are saturated, clinging to her body. She tries to wipe her hair, wet and tangled, from her eyes. But the evening winds are blowing so forcefully around her, that her hair, not unlike the rest of her, simply won't be tamed.

He is rough with her, reaching for her wrists and grabbing her brutally, shaking her violently. It makes Juliet cringe, knowing all too well her arms are still red and raw from the handcuffs. He pulls her close, whispering to her, something Juliet can't make out. Then, he pushes her away. She stumbles backwards, shocked. And for a minute Juliet thinks her legs are going to give way beneath her. But she recovers quickly, taking a hesitant step closer to him, reaching out towards him. Juliet sees now that he is wet also, hair sleeked back, clothes dripping to the ground.

He turns away, cursing under his breath. When he turns back to find her right infront of his face, he screams at her, in pure rage. "What the hell were you thinking, Kate?!"

And she, Kate Austen, just stands there. Doing nothing. Saying nothing. Letting him speak to her like trash. She doesn't even blink.

Juliet has seen her shaken many times. Tortured and threatened and beaten. But she has never seen Kate stand there and take shit like that from anyone. Even Juliet. Rubbing her shoulder sub consciously, Juliet remembers the way Kate yanked it from it's socket. The way she had argued, relentlessly. Too proud and stubborn to back away from a fight. Even when she could see she was only making things worse for herself. Kate was a far cry from a helpless woman unable to defend herself. But that's exactly how she appears in that moment.

Helpless. And small. And Downtrodden. And Meek. It stirs a protectiveness in Juliet that has no place on this island. There is no place for those kind of feelings for Kate. Kate, who single handedly made Juliet's life a living hell since moving to the beach. Stirring the rest of the survivors up, reminding them at every turn that Juliet was an "other" that Juliet couldn't be trusted. Sure, there were those who followed after Jack's leading, accepting Juliet. But Kate made sure there was always someone equally hostile towards Juliet. And Juliet didn't doubt it would go on for however long she happened to be stuck on this wretched island. If she tried hard enough she could even blame Kate for ruining her chance, and Jacks, to get off this damn island. Though Juliet is careful with that one. Cautious parcelling out blame, all too aware of her own guilt in that department.

Pushing her misguided flicker of compassion for Kate Austen aside, Juliet lets curiosity take over. Silently, she seconds his question, what the hell was Kate thinking? What on earth is going on?

The breeze shifts the trees slightly and Juliet loses her view. Unable to see what happens next, she strains her ears to listen. There is only silence. For the longest moment. Then she hears, faintly, a crunching sound. And before she can begin to decipher it's meaning, she hears Kate screaming.

It's a tormented harrowing scream that pierces Juliet's ears and her heart. For the first time in three years Juliet lets her guard down. For the first time in three years she doesn't stop to think about appearances, how it would look pathetically spying from the bushes, or why she would care the first thing about Kate Austen. For the first time in three years, she acts before she thinks. And hastily emerges from her hiding spot, revealing herself.

She is half expecting to find Kate bleeding, bruised, to find that Jack has knocked her to the ground, though this doesn't quite fit with the image she has of Jack in her head. She is half expecting to find Kate dead on the ground, from the intensity of the blood curdling scream she had heard from her throat.

By the time Juliet reaches the scene, Jack has turned, walking hastily away into the darkness towards the caves. If he sees her, he makes no sign of it. Kate is on her knees. The ground had been dry these past days, it's only that she, so wet in her dripping clothing, leaves a trail of mud all around her. She sits there, unashamedly in the filth. She makes no sound.

Juliet can feel the intensity of emotions emanating from her. Shame, and fear, and unmistakable rage.

Juliet isn't certain what to do, and glances awkwardly over her shoulder for Jack, but he has vanished. Now that she's made the decision to jump heroically from her spying post, she can hardly turn and walk away.

As she kneels beside Kate, fighting the fleeting irritation that her own clothing is becoming wet and muddied, Juliet notices Kate is gasping for air. She glances over the top of Kate's head, to the waterhole behind her, shimmering silver in the moonlight. She pictures Kate, and Jack, soaking wet, fully clothed, on such a cold night, and tries to imagine what has transpired between them to leave them both in such a state. To leave him so angry, so brutal with her. And her so complacent and silent. And then that ghastly scream that shook Juliet to the core. She tries to come up with some sort of explanation, there is none.

Kate is cradling something in her hands, and as Juliet reaches her own hand toward her, she violently pulls away, standing shakily to her feet.

"Fuck off Juliet." She spits at the other woman, in the same tone that Juliet been expecting her to use with Jack moments ago when instead Kate had just stood there mutely in the face of his attack. It strikes Juliet as unfair, what had she done now that warranted being spoken to in such away? But she pushes her righteous indignation aside, and lets compassion creep in. She can see that those words cost Kate dearly. Kate is standing with her back up against a tree, coughing and spluttering, trying to catch her breath. She is shivering, her hands shaking, and it sends chills down Juliet's spine just watching her stand there soaking wet in the cold breeze.

Finally, she slows her breathing. Juliet stands to her feet beside Kate, and removes her own jacket, attempting to place it around Kate's shoulders in a gesture of kindness that seems appropriate. Seems more appropriate than words could be. A gesture that reminds Juliet of who she is. Who she once had been, anyway. A compassionate, caring, forgiving person. Not this cold monster that Kate accused her of being. In that moment it felt good to be her old self again, all Juliet wanted was for Kate to see that she was not the evil person Kate made her out to be.

Angrily Kate flings the jacket into the mud. "I told you, fuck off. "

Juliet's new found compassion is fast wearing thin. Irritated, she replies. "I just thought you might need..."

But Kate interrupts before she can finish. "I don't need anything from you. You're the last person I need something from."

Kate walks away into the night, then. But not before stomping her foot into Juliet's jacket, pressing it into the muddied ground.

Juliet is angry now. That was just uncalled for. Juliet wants to follow after Kate and teach her a lesson, no one treats Juliet Burke like that. She could be forgiving up to a point. After all, she had kidnapped Kate, Jack , Sawyer. Kate was right about the things she's done, horrendous things. But it's not like Kate is innocent. Kate is a cold blooded killer, she has no right to be looking down on Juliet. Enough is enough. At least that's what Juliet tells herself. That's how she justifies in her own mind the reason that she is going to go after Kate.

Jack's voice pulls her from her thoughts "Leave her be Juliet, she isn't worth it." He emerges from the caves, having changed into dry clothing. His hand outstretched towards Juliet, he beckons her close.

She want to tell Jack that, yes, Kate is worth it. But she's aware the sentiment would sound insincere from her lips . Worse, it would sound downright insane.

Juliet knows the sensible choice. Jack is her life line. Since the others left her behind, he is the only one with any faith in her. The only one willing to give her a chance. The only thing standing between her and certain death if Kate manages to convince enough people that she is a threat to their survival. He's also standing there, hand outstretched to her, beckoning her to come to him. Kate told her to 'fuck off'. Twice. It's not like she needs Juliet.. She doesn't even want Juliet near her.

Yet that's how Juliet feels, exactly. Like Kate needs her desperately. And even though it's crazy. Even though Kate made it clear Juliet was the last person she needed, Juliet cant turn her back on it. It's an urge that's stronger even than her anger for Kate. Juliet feels in that moment that she's just spent the last three years on the wrong side of a war. The last three years making the wrong choices, compromising her integrity, turning her back on who she is. She can't do it any more, not even one more time. She can't walk away from Kate when everything in her is screaming out that she has to follow after her. It's what _Juliet _ needs to do, regardless of Kate's needs or desires.

"What happened?" Juliet asks Jack as he reaches and retrieves the muddy jacket from the ground.

"Nothing. Just Kate being Kate." He answers cryptically. Juliet knows there is no point pushing him for answers. He doesn't want to tell. Something about the disdain in his voice for Kate makes Juliet despise him in that moment, against all her common sense. "Forget about her." Jack insists.

"Oh, no." Juliet tells him. "She isn't going to get away with treating me like that." She snatches her jacket from his grasp. Jack smiles, amused, and makes no move to stop her as she storms off in Kate Austen's footsteps.


	2. Chapter 2

As he watches Juliet Burke storm off into the jungle, Jack almost finds himself feeling sorry for Kate. He did care about her. Always had. In spite of the fact he never understood her. In spite of the fact she betrayed him with Sawyer. In spite of the fact she was the reason he blew his chance to get off the island. Jack still cared.

But he meant his words to Juliet- Kate was simply not worth it. Kate wasn't someone you could ever reach, not someone you could save from herself. He had learned that lesson. Kate was not someone it was worth going after in anger, she didn't give a shit about anyone but Kate. Kate wasn't someone worth that bizarre gesture he had witnessed from Juliet with her jacket, attempting to place it around Kate's shoulders. He could have told Juliet that Kate would only throw that back in her face.

Kate deserved everything Juliet had to dish out. Still, as he pictures the determination in Juliet's eyes, when he remembers the lengths Juliet is capable of from her life of otherness, it makes him feel a little sorry for Kate.

"_She is dangerous, Jack." Kate had protested for the hundredth time earlier that night. "Are you so blinded by your infatuation with her that you can't see that? That you'd risk the lives of everyone on this beach?"_

"_Shut up, Kate." He had snapped back. "I am so sick of this, this has to stop."_

"_You don't know what you're doing, Jack. You can't see it, you're too close." There was a desperation in Kate's voice that Jack attributed to petty jealousy over the fact that Jack had chosen Juliet over her. Really, could Kate blame him after everything that happened? Could Kate blame him for wanting a real woman, a mature woman, someone who wasn't totally fucked in the head and damaged beyond repair? Did Kate really think she could stand any kind of chance against Juliet? "Jack, You have to listen to me. She is still one of them."_

"_You listen to me, Kate. Enough. This has nothing to do with Juliet, does it? It's all about you. It's always about you. You're so damn jealous that I've found someone else to be with. You had your chance, Kate, you made your choice. You can't come crawling back to me now."_

"_I'm not 'crawling back' to you. " She spat in return. "This has nothing to do with you, with us. She is dangerous."_

"_Yes we know." Jack answered wearily. "She did things she regrets. Let it go. No one throws your mistakes in your face every single day, Kate."_

_Kate laughed then. "Really?" She asked "Every time you look at me I see it in your eyes, condemnation, judgement. Yet you look at her and it's like you can't even see her mistakes. You cant see that she can't be trusted, Jack. And that's just the way she wants it. She is playing you for a fool. She is using you."_

"_Juliet can't be trusted?" He asked incredulously. It angered him, the self righteous way Kate stood there hurling accusations at Juliet. As if she had never done one wrong thing in her life. "And you can be trusted, I suppose? A cold blooded killer with no remorse? I know who I'd be putting my trust in." _

_Kate was right, Jack condemned her a thousand times over wordlessly with his actions, glances. But this was the first time Jack had openly called her a killer. The first time he'd voiced that accusation to her face. And it touched a nerve. _

"_You don't know anything about me." Kate protested, as fiery rage flashed across her eyes. _

"_I know everything I need to know, Kate." Jack answered bitterly. At that moment he reached into his pocket, pulling out that little toy plane. _

_It was cruel, he knew, taunting her in that way. He had waited weeks for the right moment to show her that he had her precious toy plane. Letting his bitterness, his anger, his pain rise up inside him. After all the ways Kate had hurt him, betraying him with Sawyer, disobeying his instruction not to come back, ruining his chance to get off the island, and now trying her hardest to ruin the thing he built with Juliet, he had wanted to hurt her in return. _

"_Where did you get that?" Kate demanded softly, reaching for the plane to take it from his hand._

_He pulled away instinctively. "From Juliet." He answered. _

_The words were true, he had got that toy plane from Juliet. But he knew how Kate would interpret those words as "Juliet gave it to me." When in fact Jack had taken it from her things. He wondered fleetingly how Juliet had come to be in possession of the thing in the first place, why she had gone to the trouble of bringing it with her all the way to the beach? _

"_I asked Juliet about the things you did, Kate. Trust me, I know everything I need to know about you." Those words were true also, he had asked Juliet about Kate, about her past, her crimes. All the things Kate would never tell him. Juliet, however, refused to answer. And when Jack pressed the matter, Juliet accused him of still having feelings for Kate. And so, he let the matter drop. _

_Jack told himself he wasn't trying to hurt Kate with his accusations. He was only trying to make her see that she wasn't perfect either, that she was in no position to be criticising Juliet. But he'd be lying to himself if he denied that he enjoyed that moment, seeing her crumble. It still angered him that she never confided in him and told him the things she had done. He added that to his list of things that he had a right to be angry at Kate Austen for. _

_Without words, Kate lunged towards him. At first he thought that he had enraged her to the point that she was trying to physically attack him. Moments later he realised that she was only after one thing, not revenge. Just her toy plane. _

_Jack knew Kate would never believe him that it was entirely unintentional the way that little plane slipped from his grasp into the waterhole. She would believe he had cast it there deliberately, to hurt her. _

_She watched with horror as the little plane sunk to the dark depths. Only for a moment, and then she dived in after it. _

_Jack stood rolling his eyes at her stupidity. He stood angry, frustrated. And yet panic set in as the minutes went by and there was no sign of her. No matter how angry he was, he was still unable to stand back and watch her drown. Not over some stupid toy. Always the hero, he dived in after her. _

_It shouldn't have surprised him that when he found her, when he put his arms around her to drag her to the surface, he was rewarded by her kicking and punching at him violently, angrily. It made him regret coming after her. Almost made him turn and swim for the surface, let the stupid girl drown if that's what she wanted. _

_Only when she had her fingers safely around that stupid toy did she stop fighting against him, and let him lead her to the surface. _

_He pulled her onto the shore. She lay gasping for air, while he screamed about how damn stupid she was. _

_Even though she could barely breathe, she had never been one to sit silently in the face of an attack " I never asked you to come after me." She uttered as she scrambled to her feet._

_He slapped her then. Ungrateful, spoiled brat. He had saved her life, she sure didn't deserve it. Was this the thanks he was going to get? Did she expect him to stand there and watch her drown and just shrug his shoulders. _

"_You are really losing it, Kate. What's so fucking fantastic about this stupid toy that you'd risk your life to save it?" He demanded to know, as he grabbed her by the arms, shaking her. As if he could shake some sense into her._

"_Thought you knew everything about me, Jack." She taunted him in return, as she pulled away from his grasp._

_He whispered to her then "Please Kate. You really have to get a grip." _

_When she didn't answer him, he cursed under his breath, turning away. He hadn't expected her to be still standing there when he turned back. Looking so lost, so broken. Jack hated the way that it tugged at his heart. _

"_What the hell were you thinking?!" He continued screaming at her, though it was obvious by this point that she was not going to provide a satisfactory answer._

__

She only stood there, silently.

_There could be no doubts this time to the intent behind Jack's actions. He snatched that plane from her trembling un expecting hands. Before she could protest, he threw it to the ground, and crushed it under his shoe. _

_While the act had been intended, it had not been malicious. It was as if Jack believed that he really could make her grow up, get over it. As if that plane was responsible for making her crazy. As if destroying it would somehow save her from herself, stop her doing crazy, self destructive things. Such as throwing herself into the depths of that freezing water hole, almost killing them both. _

_Before he could explain any of this to her, she screamed. _


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3**_

Kate shivers in the bitter cold, the icy wet clothes clinging to her body. The sun has long since set for the day. For a fleeting moment she wishes she had not been so stubborn to fling Juliet Burke's jacket away. For an even more fleeting moment she wishes she had not been so quick to fling Juliet away, as she recalls the way Juliet's touch was somehow warm, like fire, on her skin.

The beach wasn't that far, she could go back to her tent, get some warm clothes, dry off by the fire. But the thought of any other person being near her is unbearable. She seeks solitude above all else. She is shaking involuntarily, though she no longer feels the bitter cold sting her. She feels only numb, and she finds it a relief.

She clings tightly to the broken pieces of that small toy plane, and takes a deep breath. Somehow that small inanimate object means almost everything to her, for reasons she can not fully comprehend herself, let alone expect another person to. To Kate, it represents something about herself, about who she is, or who she was. It reminds her that once, long ago, somebody loved her. Somebody knew her, knew every last thing about her, and loved her anyway.

She had lost that little plane at the time she had been abducted by the others. And while that thought alone drove her crazy, she finds herself enraged above and beyond that to think that it was Juliet who had taken it from her. To think that Juliet had it all this time, that Juliet had given it to Jack so that he could crush it under his feet.

_As she stood on that shore and watched Jack cast her plane into the depths, she didn't hesitate. Let him stand there rolling his eyes, in judgement of her. Let him have his precious Juliet. Let the the two of them have this island, let them laugh about her and talk about her and call her crazy, call her a killer, let them despise her and make her out to be the monster. What did it matter? She would have her plane, and no one could touch her. _

_The water appeared deceptively inviting as she dove in head first. But it was hard and harsh and cold. So cold that it hurt. Like a thousand knives stabbing into her relentlessly. But she pushed it aside as she forged deeper into the darkness. Then a pleasant numbness took over. She had never been one to long for peace, to wish for death, and yet somehow time stood still. Somehow everything ceased to matter. Somehow she stopped caring if she took another breath. In the dark she groped around for that plane, even though it was logically impossible that she would find it. Even so, she felt pulled towards it. She knew it was hers, it was meant for her, she knew she couldn't go on without it. She had to find it. There was no other option. _

_And then she felt his intrusive arms pulling at her. She could have killed him there and then, trying to be the hero, trying to save her, trying to take her away from the one thing that brought her peace_

_Finally, wearily, and with the plane safely in her hand, she allowed herself to surrender to him as he pulled her towards the surface._

As Juliet follows behind the other woman, she wonders why Kate is walking so far in the opposite direction to the warmth and safety of the beach. It's not like anyone there would have bothered her. It's not like Kate is the outcast, it's not like Kate is the one that they all consider to be a monster. In any case, one fiery look from Kate's eyes and they would all know better than to hassle her. They would have left her in perfect peace. Warm and dry and safe. But Kate had never been known for doing things the easy way.

As the darkness intensifies all around her, and eerie noises from the jungle spook her, Juliet almost wants to turn back. Jack's words resound in her head- and she asks herself if Kate really is worth all this trouble?

Juliet knows something about Jack. More correctly, she knows almost everything about Jack, and Kate too. But there is something about the relationship between them that she just can not comprehend. Something she can't quite put her finger on. Something that tugs at her heart. In the beginning she had attributed it to her jealousy over Kate. Now, she isn't so sure.

When she finally catches up with Kate, Juliet finds her sitting complacently on the beach, staring out at the ocean in the darkness. Juliet approaches the other woman from behind. Quietly the sand shifts between her feet. Juliet creeps closer, unnoticed. Close enough that she can hear the other woman breathing. Close enough she catches a glimpse of the object Kate is cradling in her hands. The small toy plane. Or what is left of it. The left wing bent oddly out of shape, the right wing severed completely.

Juliet integrates the sight in front her eyes with that crunching sound immediately preceding Kate's heart wrenching screams. And the result is a disturbing vision of Jack crushing that little toy plane under his foot.

Somehow, the image makes Juliet flinch. Even though she tells herself that for all intents and purposes, Kate is her enemy. Even though she tells herself it's just a stupid toy. Still, it seemed needless and spiteful and cruel for Jack to go out of his way to intentionally destroy it.

And it _is_ just a stupid toy. But Juliet knows it means something more than that to Kate. On the one hand, Juliet calculates all the facts she knows about that plane. That it belonged to Kate's childhood sweet heart. He had been killed, inadvertently, in an escape attempt. That he had placed his life in danger by helping Kate visit her mother. So yes, it had sentimental value to her. Yet the meaning that object holds for Kate seems to transcend even that. After all, she risked her own life, not to mention other peoples, robbing a bank to reclaim that plane, then there had been that harrowing scream as Jack crushed it under his foot, and now the way Kate is that object in trembling hands, vacant sadness present in her eyes. It is all a little too extreme, it doesn't add up. Juliet can't reconcile the facts in her mind, she is missing something. She must be missing something. The exact significance of that plane remains a mystery.

Juliet wants to sit beside her. Juliet wants to ask her just what it is about that plane that is so damn important? Juliet wants to pick up the pieces, join them back together. As if that would fix everything. But even from where she is standing she can see the damage is irreparable. Some things just can't be fixed. Kate knows that. Better than most people. Yet she is starring at that object with intense longing, with hope. Waiting. As if she would blink one moment, then open her eyes, and suddenly it would be made whole again.

Kate is trembling in the cool night breeze, wet sand clinging to her clothing. She doesn't seem to be bothered. And suddenly, instead of wanting to fix that plane, Juliet finds herself wanting to snatch that little toy plane from Kate's grasp and throw it into the ocean. She wants to tell Kate to let it go. It's just a stupid toy. The past is the past. She wants to tell Kate that Jack can only hurt her if she lets him. He broke her toy plane, sure. She had been careless with it, allowing him to see how much it meant to her, allowing him to get his hands on it. She would just have to be more careful with her heart. Not let Jack touch it, not let anyone. It was the only real way to protect yourself, so Juliet had learned the hard way..

Suddenly, Juliet finds herself laughing out loud at the stupidity of her own thoughts. After all, this is Kate. The woman who made her life hell. Childish, selfish, foolish, reckless, stupid, ignorant Kate. Kate who deserves everything she gets. Let Jack crush the insane girl into dust, what should it matter?

At the sound of the laughter from the other woman's lips, Kate's head snaps around instantly. Juliet feels bad , realising that Kate would see it as Juliet laughing at her. This thought disturbs Juliet greatly, because in fact the opposite was true. Juliet found the sight of Kate on that beach the picture of utter heartbreak. And yet Juliet knows this is insane, knows that Kate would not believe her if she ever tried to explain it.

And so Juliet waits for whatever angry bitter onslaught is about to be hurled her way from the brunette. But Kate says nothing. She only folds her hands protectively around that broken toy plane, and turns her head back to face the ocean. As if Juliet's presence is entirely insignificant to her. And something about that infuriates Juliet more so than an angry attack would have.

Sighing, Juliet sits uninvited beside her, even though she knows Kate isn't the type of person who is going to tolerate the intrusion. Any minute now, Kate is going to snap, and anger is going to come flying in Juliet's direction. She can't say she blames Kate for that. It's how the game is played. Juliet can't change the rules now. There is only one way to get through to a person like Kate. And it's not with words of kindness. It's not by putting her jacket round Kate's shoulders. Its not by pulling Kate into a tight embrace, which is the exact alarming urge that Juliet feels in that moment. None of that is going to work. Besides, why should Juliet even want any of it to work?

It is then, and only then, Juliet's conflicting and confusing thoughts die down long enough for her to realise something. Something that stirs a raw and restless anger in her own spirit. The last time Juliet had seen that plane was weeks ago, when she first arrived back at the beach with the other survivors. Juliet isn't sure why, but she carried that toy with her all the way from the barracks. Just that toy, a few clothes, and a few precious things that had belonged to Rachel. Juliet had found that plane discarded by Ben and the others when the abandoned her. And for unknowable reasons, Juliet had held onto it. The last time she had seen it was in her hiding place in her tent. And the first night she was here, someone had broken in, had taken that plane, along with Rachel's things. Someone had stolen those last few precious things that connected Juliet to her sister. It seems strange to Juliet now to think that she had not suspected Kate at the time. The suspects seemed endless, no one trusted her at first, no one wanted her around. Any one of them could have stolen her things. But in that moment, starring at that plane in Kate's trembling hands, it all makes sense. Kate had somehow realised that Juliet had her plane, Kate had taken it, Kate had stolen Rachel's things right along with it. And Juliet wants them back. Now.

Swiftly, without warning, Juliet strikes Kate, hard, across the arms. In shock, Kate's fingers release their grasp on that little plane, dropping the pieces compliantly into Juliet's waiting hands.

"Well." Juliet begins, confident that she now has Kate's full attention. "What have we here?"


	4. Chapter 4

_Forgive the extreme inconsistencies in all the characters to suit my twisted plot. I'm so mean I know. I really do love Juliet, didn't mean for her to come across so cruel! I don't know what came over me, only that I found it strangely therapeutic to write this....In any case I hope you will enjoy. And, positive or negative, please take time to let me know what you think :) _

_**Chapter 4 **_

While Juliet's words are not harsh, they are cold. With an eerie tinge of gentleness that stops Kate in her tracks. Kate is stunned momentarily, her eyes glued to that little plane as she refuses to meet Juliet's gaze- Something which irritates Juliet beyond belief. She reaches for the plane but Juliet swiftly pulls away.

"Give it back." Kate utters. The words aren't as angry as Juliet expected. They are more desperate. Almost pathetic. Kate stands to her feet, towering over Juliet in an attempt to intimidate her. "Give it back." She demands, forcefully this time.

"You stole this from my tent." Juliet tells her softly, slowly, as she rises to her feet to stand face to face with the other woman.

"Stole it?" Kate scoffs. So caught up is Kate in defending her right of possession to Juliet, that she doesn't stop to wonder why Juliet is accusing her of stealing from her tent. She doesn't stop to ask Juliet just why she had given that plane to Jack. There would be no point in any case, the reason was clear enough. The same reason Juliet took it in the first place no doubt, to get under Kate's skin. Kate doesn't have the clarity or insight in that moment to make the connection that Jack had stolen that plane from Juliet's tent."It's mine. It belongs to me! How can I steal it?"

The thing is, Juliet silently concedes, Kate is quite right about that. The plane had been hers, and Ben had taken it from her. On a rational level Juliet knows she should have given that plane back to Kate weeks ago. But in that moment, Juliet doesn't care. All she wants is Rachel's things back. And that fact that Kate has taken them fills her with more anger than she has ever known.

"I want my things back, Kate" Juliet tells her, making an effort to keep her voice calm as she gracefully takes a step back from Kate, putting as much distance as she can between the two of them. She tries to keep the desperation out of her own voice. She doesn't want to appear pathetic, not as pathetic as Kate appears in that moment, desperate to get her hands on some stupid piece of junk. Juliet tries to make herself sound menacing and threatening, enough so that Kate won't even stop to ask just what was so important about those possessions Juliet was desperate to have back. She doesn't want Kate to know her weakness.

Juliet smiles, brightly, enchantingly. It causes shivers down Kate's spine. They've reached an impasse of sorts. Kate wants her plane back, Juliet wants Rachel's things, but neither is prepared to be the first to give in.

"What would I want with your precious things?" Kate asks, and her bewilderment seems genuine. Far too genuine than any pretence Kate is capable of.

"I don't know." Juliet answers, honestly." I don't know why you would take my things. I don't know why you're so hell-bent on turning everyone on this island against me, to make out that I'm some sort of monster. All I know is that you did it. Just like I know you have my things. Tell me where they are. Right now. Before this becomes extremely unpleasant."

This time Kate laughs at the other woman, making Juliet's blood boil. So amused is Kate by Juliet's absurd claims that she misses the venom in her final threat.

"You don't know why I would warm my friends about you? You're one of 'them'. The others." Kate answers her.

Juliet pushes her anger aside, struggling to maintain control "Not anymore, Now I'm one of you." She answers, unmistakable irritation creeping into her tone.

"Because it suits you." Kate tells her, voice dripping with disdain. "Because your people abandoned you and now you're outnumbered. The only person you care about is you, and you'd sacrifice the rest of us in a heartbeat if it was in your own interests." Kate has momentarily forgotten about her little plane. She is enjoying the rare sight of Juliet Burke squirming uncomfortably in front of her. She is enjoying her chance to stand and tell Juliet Burke every thing she thinks about her.

Juliet wants to laugh in Kate's face the way Kate just laughed in hers, so absurd is this conversation. But she hasn't got it left in her to laugh. She is angry. Enraged. Kate doesn't know the first thing about who or what Juliet cares about. Kate doesn't understand the first thing about how Juliet is just as much a prisoner here as the rest of them. Kate doesn't understand how Juliet left Rachel behind, how every last thing she did was only to get home to Rachel and Julian. Finally, Juliet snaps. So sick is she of Kate's accusations, of being painted as the villain. And partly, it's the truth behind Kate's words that angers her the most. Yes, she was one of the others. Yes, she did some terrible things. Yes, Rachel would never forgive her if she knew the kind of person Juliet had become. And although none of that is Kate's fault, Kate is standing there, attacking her, and somehow it's easy for Juliet to believe in that moment that blaming Kate will somehow fix everything. That attacking Kate will somehow make her feel better.

"It's not like you're any different to me." Juliet spits at her in reply. She waves the little plane tauntingly infront of Kate's face, her voice growing louder, less controlled. "This isn't even yours, is it Kate? This is Tom's plane. You remember Tom? You used him to further your own agenda, and he paid with his life. How dare you stand there and accuse me of only caring about myself?!"

That cut Kate too close to home. Far too close for her to be able to ignore it. Juliet's words were not untrue, that enrages Kate all the more. Brings everything crashing back down around her, reminding her again of how Juliet knew every last thing about her life, how Juliet had told it all to Jack. Every last painful dark secret exposed. Kate can't bring herself to compose a verbal reply. In any case, she was never going to win a war against Juliet Burke with words.

Before Juliet knows what hit her, Kate has pushed the other woman to the ground, striking her hard across the face. Juliet tastes the blood from her split lip. In retaliation, Juliet pulls on Kate's hair, hard. It brings her a glimmer of satisfaction when Kate cries out involuntarily.

Having little physical defence against Kate, Juliet continues crushing her the best way she knows how to, with condemning words. "It's all true, everything I said, that's what drives you so crazy Kate, you know I'm not the monster, you are." Juliet whispers into the other woman's ear. It's almost as if she is deliberately taunting Kate now. Almost as if she is enjoying the pain of Kate's attack. As if she somehow deserves it. As if after enduring her punishment, Juliet would find herself completely absolved of responsibility in all the terrible things she had been a part of in the past three years.

Juliet closes her eyes, waiting for the next punch. But it never comes. Instead, Kate is suddenly gone from on top of her. Kate is screaming for Jack to let her go as he pulls her away.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!?" Jack asks Kate. He doesn't wait for an answer before turning to Juliet, as she sits in the sand wiping blood from her face, and asking her if she is alright. Juliet nods, silently.

In spite of being somewhat grateful to him for saving her from a merciless and humiliating beating, It irritates Juliet that Jack has followed her, that he has intruded on this moment. Cruel and confusing and destructive as it had been, it had been something between her and Kate alone. A place that he didn't belong. A thing that he would never understand. And while she can not straighten out in her head if she likes Kate Austen or despises her, one thing Juliet now knows beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that she and Kate Austen understand each other.

Uncomfortable silence hangs in the air, tinged with anger and betrayal and bewilderment. Juliet can't stand the sight of Jack with his arms around Kate as she struggles to be free from him, she turns her head away. As Juliet shakes the sand from her hair, she catches sight of that little broken toy plane, discarded in the sand amidst the drama of the moment. And the sight of it causes her eyes to water.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Kate feels trapped as she struggles against Jack and his unwelcome arms around her. She feels exposed as she remembers the fact that Juliet and Jack know every last thing about her. She feels herself disintegrating right in front of their eyes.

Above all, she feels condemned.

She catches a glimpse of Juliet out of the corner of her eye. That blonde hair shimmering in the moonlight. Visibility is poor, Kate can't really make out the features on Juliet's face. And yet somehow she still sees that Juliet looks stricken. Juliet looks like the perfect picture of innocence. Of a victim. It makes Kate sick to her stomach.

Kate can't see Jack's eyes, but she knows anyway that his eyes are glued to Juliet. She knows also what he sees when he looks at the other woman. He sees goodness. Innocence. Worth. All the things Kate wished he saw in her. The things she wished someone saw in her.

Jack is shaking her, asking her what-the-hell has got into her, asking it again and again as if any explanation would satisfy him in the first place.

But she makes no answer. There are no words.

What she desperately wants in that moment, is the thing that she has always wanted. To be free. To be away from him, from Juliet, from every last person who made her feel like dirt. Fleetingly it occurs to her right there on that beach, that the person she most wants to escape from, the person she has really been running from for all these years, is herself.

His hold is tight, angry, as she struggles against him. He is talking to her as if she were crazy. As if she were a monster. And, perhaps, he is right. Both of them appear so willing to lay the blame at her feet. And, perhaps, they are justified.

She stops in that moment, stops fighting him and kicking him. She grows limp in his arms, falling against him. Slowly he releases his grip on her as sounds of her soft crying reach his ears. And still, for some reason, her pain gets to him. He lets her go and she sinks to her knees in the sand. He steps back, looking down at her.

She won't look up into his eyes, but she feels him staring at her. Staring in pity this time, and not condemnation. He no longer sees her as a threat. Just a mess. A complete fucked up mess.

"Kate?" He calls her name. He crouches down beside her, hand hovering over her back as she sits sobbing in the sand. It is as if he wants to touch her, but he is afraid. His voice is soft, not threatening. Kind. And she asks herself if this is what she wanted all along, him to care about her?

But it's not like it used to be, not back in the beginning, when he first knew her. Before he found out she had killed a man. He had never looked at her in the same way since then.

She thinks she feels an awkward kind of compassion emanating from him. But it is drowning in so much pity that it isn't possible for her to find any comfort in it, in him. She preferred him when he was screaming at her, condemning her. It occurs to her that she is never happy. That he can never please her, and she will never be satisfied with anything he offers her. There is no way back, for her and Jack, for her and anyone. Did they all know every last detail about her life? Her crimes? Every living soul on this island? Did they all despise her, fear her, pity her?

She has managed to lift his gun from him, and he still hasn't noticed. It was part of her plan to distract him. Part of her pathetic crying performance. And yet, to her own horror, she finds the tears are genuine as she sits there, rocking back and forth. She finds that it takes her a minute to pull herself together.

"Leave her." Juliet tells him. And he obeys. At hearing the blond woman speak, Jack loses all interest in Kate. Kate hears his footsteps retreating as he makes his way over to Juliet. Kate can imagine the way he is cradling Juliet's face in his hands. And Juliet, loving every minute of the attention he is lavishing upon her.

Kate can't stop herself from shaking. And it takes concerted effort to stand to her feet. There is only one thing on her mind- run. She doesn't stop to consider the fact that there is simply no where to run to anymore.

She stands to her feet as silently as she is able, which is not silently enough as it turns out. She was counting on Jack to be too captivated by Juliet to notice her quiet escape. She had been right on that count. It is Juliet whose head snaps around. Juliet who jumps to her feet quicker than lightening, calling for Kate to "Wait!" Juliet who had just told Jack to '_Leave her._' It was only two words. Juliet was like that. But the underlying meaning had been clear. '_Leave her Jack, leave her here to die, she isn't worth your time or trouble. You have me now, you don't need her_'

And yet now here was Juliet, running towards her, reaching her hand forward and taking Kate by the wrist.

"Wait." Juliet says again.

Kate turns and looks at Juliet, more out of surprise, out of curiosity, than out of obedience to her command to wait.

Yet, Kate is waiting. Just for a second. Waiting and wondering just what the hell Juliet is playing at. Juliet just stands, expectantly, looking at her. While Jack, standing off in the distance, shakes his head wearily.

It's not that they are hurting her, Juliet is barely even touching her. But Kate feels threatened. She feels cornered.

Maybe she could still turn and run? There are two of them, sure, but she is fast.

But Kate knows that it's all gone too far . She can't stand another word from either of them. She can't stand Juliet's hand gently resting on her arm, she can't stand the way they are looking at her. And there is nowhere to run.

Kate wriggles free from Juliet's grasp and takes a step back. She reaches for the gun she had taken from Jack and aims it straight towards Juliet.

And Juliet doesn't even blink.


	6. Chapter 6

_"What we share...may be a lot like a traffic accident. _

_But we do share it. _

_We are survivors._

_Of each other._

_We have been shark to one another,_

_but also lifeboat."_

Margaret Atwood, Cat's Eye

_**Chapter 6 **_

"We're not done here, Kate." Juliet tells her, as if she couldn't even see that shiny gun pointed right in her face. "You have my things and I want them back."

"I believe I'm the one holding the gun, Juliet" Kate responds.

"You're gonna shoot me?" Juliet asks, incredulously.

"Don't Juliet, just shut up." Jack whispers harshly.

"Why not?" Kate shrugs in answer to Juliet's question. "That's what I do. Kill people. You said it yourself, just minutes ago. Isn't that what you think about me?"

Jack is shaking. Sweat forming on his brow. "Kate" He begins feebly. He steps towards her, but not in front of Juliet. Some hero he turned out to be. "No one thinks that, Kate." He is stammering over the words. Hardly able to get them out. Because he doesn't mean them. He is so transparent. Lying through his teeth. They all know it. It makes him look pathetic. It makes her tighten her grip on that gun.

Kate stops for a moment, trying to find that place of satisfaction in seeing Jack's weakness, in seeing him trembling before her. She is in complete control. All the cards are in her hands. Yet she derives no pleasure from this hollow victory.

Jack trembling before her doesn't touch her. It's Juliet who disturbs her. Juliet who only minutes ago had called her a murderer.

Juliet is just standing there, unshakable.

"We both know you're not going to pull that trigger." Juliet announces calmly, softly.

Kate is confused for a moment, by the "_both_". Did Juliet mean she and Jack or she and Kate?

"Is that so?" Kate manages to ask in return.

"You need a reason." Juliet tells her. "A good reason to pull that trigger."

"You think I don't have a reason to want you dead?" Kate almost laughs. How she despised that woman.

"What is it about me being one of _them_ that you find so unbearable? That makes you hate me so much that you want to shoot me? I really don't understand it. I'm not a threat to you. I haven't done anything to you. And you're going to shoot me? Here and now in the heat of the moment? For no good reason? No, Kate. I don't think so. You're just not that unstable."

"Yes. She. Is" Jack whispers harshly in Juliet's ear, pulling at her to take a step back. His frightened eyes pleading with her to shut up and stop provoking Kate.

Rage is boiling inside Kate as she watches the two of them. Juliet saw herself as so innocent. As if spilling all Kate's secrets to Jack mean nothing. As if giving her plane to Jack to crush under his feet meant nothing. Perhaps it did mean nothing. Perhaps _she_ meant nothing. Not to Jack, not to Juliet, not to anyone. There was no point anymore hurtling accusations at Juliet. Juliet had been deemed perfect. The innocent victim in all of this. And Kate, the bad guy. It was never going to be any different.

"I think you could have killed us already if that was what you wanted." Juliet continued, confidently.

Kate acknowledges, to her extreme irritation, that this fact is true. What she wants is to get away. She wants the earth to swallow her whole and take her away, any place but here. Killing Jack and Juliet solves nothing. It wont make it any easier to live with herself, to live on this island.

Kate can't decide which one of them she hates more in that moment. Jack for his pathetic pity, for his trembling fear, his crushing judgements, for standing there believing that she has it in her to kill him. Or Juliet for her calmness, her mocking tone, for seeing right through her and believing that somehow she was just not capable of pulling that trigger.

And Kate _wants _to pull that trigger. Badly. Just to show Juliet Burke that she didn't know the first damn thing about anything. Just to wipe that condescending look off her face. But she can not. She will not. Not now. It's not the answer. Her hand is shaking. Juliet takes a step towards her.

"Give me the gun." Juliet says it softly, nicely, as if she were talking to a child.

But giving Juliet the gun is not the answer, either. Kate has too much pride to give in to what Juliet asks her to do. Besides, giving up the gun means giving up control, and there was no way in hell that was going to happen.

And so, once again, Kate is trapped with no way out.

Without thinking, without even realising she had done it, Kate finds she has lifted that gun to her own head. She holds her hand steady, alarmingly at peace with the idea of pulling that trigger, of ending everything once and for all.

And Jack is just standing there.

Kate thinks she sees relief on his face. He must figure it was better her than him or Juliet. He makes no sound, he makes no move.

Juliet takes another step towards her. Kate is staring into her eyes defiantly. Almost daring her to come closer. Almost begging Juliet to push her over the edge.

But Juliet stops, and reaches down, picking up the broken pieces of toy plane from the sand. Kate's eyes are trailing her.

"I don't think you're going to do _that_, either." Juliet tells her.

"Maybe I'll do it just to prove you wrong." Kate answers defiantly.

"You don't have it in you." Juliet announces confidently.

"Don't have what in me?" Kate wants to know. "Murder? Insanity?"

"Giving up." Juliet utters softly. Juliet opens her hands, offering Kate the broken pieces of that toy plane.

Juliet tells herself that she has to do this, she has to stop Kate. Because Kate has Rachel's things. And she wont ever see them again if the silly girl shoots herself in the head. Juliet tells herself that over and over again. Because her heart is racing. Her chest is tightening and she feels like she can't breathe. She is afraid, even more so than when Kate had that gun pointed in her direction. And Juliet tells herself to get a grip. Tells herself that she doesn't care about Kate. That it doesn't matter one way or the other if Kate pulls that trigger. At the end of the day, Rachel's things are just things. And none of this matters. Kate doesn't matter.

Juliet keeps telling herself that, until she feels like she can breathe again. Because what she wants more than anything, is to close her eyes. She can't stand to see Kate standing there, fiery determination in her gaze, gun aimed at her own head. She can't stand to imagine Kate pulling that trigger.

Kate reaches for the plane with her free hand, but Juliet pulls it away from her slowly, just out of her grasp.

"Give me the gun, Kate." Juliet demands. And suddenly it takes such a huge amount of effort to remove the panic from her voice, to make her words sound cold and confident as they always did.

As Kate stares at that little plane, in pieces, in Juliet's hand as Juliet carefully brushes the sand away, she realises with horror that Juliet is right. She doesn't have it in her. No matter how much she wants it all over, how much she longs to be far away, she just can't bring herself to let go. She can't help but cling to some sort of hope, to life. She is fighter, a survivor. It's the way it has always been. No matter if she wants it, no matter if she deserves it. She can't let that go.

And that wretched, broken useless plane in Juliet's hands still means more to her in that moment, than living, than dying, more than anything Jack or Juliet could ever do to her.

She isn't foolish enough to hand a loaded weapon to Juliet. With shaking hands she removes the ammunition, safely tucking it away in her pocket, and hands the now useless weapon to Juliet in exchange for her prize possession.


End file.
